It’s always 5 o’clock somewhere… October 13, 2015

Does anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody really care?
I call it the Chicago clock, and it will revolutionize confusion.

The Chicago clock is a fantastic new invention that will weed out the kids with their newfangled digital contraptions and distinguish high-class society.  It is a wall clock modeled after the traditional grandfather clock, complete with swinging pendulum.

Telling time with an analog clock is a skill that is taught in first grade; or it was during my escapades in elementary school. I remember this distinctly because I was so proud when I learned how to read a clock, and then I got a digital watch. It was all downhill from there.  To read an analog clock ever since I first learned that we have digital things that tell us the exact time in numbers and not positions on a wheel, I have had to count the minutes by 5.  I know that up is :00 and down is :30.  If I try really hard I even remember that pointing to the right is :15 and pointing to the left is :45.  Anything in-between those marks is a count-by-fives strategy until I get to where the minute hand is (or close enough to where it is that I have to count by ones until I reach it). In short, it takes me forever to read an analog clock and I am a disgrace.

The hands on the clock are always correct.  The numbers, however, are not.  Whenever the clock changes hours, the numbers shuffle around.  The current hour is always 5 o’clock as per the numbering, regardless of where the hour hand is.  The rest are randomly placed to confuse innocent bystanders. Muahahahahaha.